Health and Life Sex and sexual health Sexual Wellbeing Sex and me: my guide to sexual wellness Words by Topher Taylor - @thetspotpodcast Anyone that knows me in any capacity, knows about my love and fascination with sex. I love sex, more than most people that I know. Everything about it. I even have a podcast about it. I’ve been fascinated by the human body since I was a young adult. I only really began to develop confidence in myself as a teenager, after I discovered my sexuality and sexual attraction. Sex was my window into adulthood, and gave me a foundation that slowly developed into a strong confidence within myself. That doesn’t mean that now, at 32-years-old, that my confidence comes solely from sex… however it was a powerful catalyst for me in my journey of self-discovery. Sex laid a strong groundwork for me to develop confidence, after years of feeling ostracised in my small-minded hometown and from being the gay kid at school. It was mine; it was wonderful and suddenly the world was treating me differently. Gone were the days of being othered, as now men wanted to be around me, wanted to fuck me, talk to me, and wanted to hear my opinions on things. I had a voice and people could see me. From these superficial beginnings, I started to develop and become more emotionally intelligent – and felt stronger as a human being. After a while, I began to develop a sense of humour about it and wasn’t taking it all too seriously. I could sense that it would be a slippery slope to allow any desirability to be the core of who I am. I admired Madonna and David Bowie, and how they’d both been overtly sexual but also strong, self-sufficient, and confident. I allowed myself to find the person in the mirror to be beautiful, strong, and sexual. I knew I wasn’t perfect but I grew tired of feeling shit about myself. I’d spent years feeling useless and enough really was enough. Now that’s just a very brief summary of my journey. As queer people, we are a beautifully multifaceted community. And we are all on our own paths in millions of different directions. With this in mind, it’s important to acknowledge that sex serves as a toxic force for some – as much as it’s a utopia for others. It’s hardly ground-breaking to reveal that sex is a popular commodity that’s easily accessible – and is both a way to satisfy ourselves and sometimes supress our feelings. Sex can mean so many different things to so many people, and alongside being one of the most beautiful ways to explore – it can stand as a buffer between us addressing an underlying issue, reality, or past trauma. It can quickly develop into a toxic pastime that can hurt our souls and risk our health. Having a positive relationship with sex is a wonderful way to add to your life – alongside revitalising mind, body, and soul. But, frustratingly, like most of the wonderful things in life: it takes work and maintenance. Many of us spend our formative years being told that our attractions are abominations. Many of us are convinced for years that we cannot have something that’s completely natural to us as its wrong, it’s against God, it’s illegal, etc. And this can result in some of us begin to crave and fixate on it. Some will behave in irrational and dangerous ways to get our “fix”, which can lay groundwork to a toxic relationship with intercourse, oral sex, group sex -- alongside commonly associated temptations on the queer scene such as alcohol, drugs, and prescription medication. I nickname what a lot of us go through as ‘forbidden fruit syndrome’. I’m certainly not writing any of this to be sanctimonious or speak from a place of authority – because who am I to? I’m certainly not perfect. I’ve behaved irrationally in the past. I’ve found myself in tears from bad decision making, I’ve found myself in sexual health clinics absolutely terrified of what the results of my tests could be because of my own irresponsible behaviour – because of impulsive and uneducated behaviour. But what I can say is, I’ve lived and I’ve learned. I’ve had incredible sexual experiences in my time with beautiful men who I respect and admire – but I have also acted a fool. I’ve put myself at risk for a ‘top up’ of attention or simply to entertain myself when I am feeling bored. So now we come to, how can YOU practice sexual wellness? It sounds a bit vague, doesn’t it? ‘Sexual Wellness’ – What does it even mean?! Here are a few tips that I’d like to share – from my (tart-with-a) heart to yours. COMMUNICATE when it comes to sex. Express your interests, desires, limits, curiosities, and sometimes – your fears. This is the unbeatable way to lay groundwork for incredibly sexual experiences. Knowledge is power and honesty is (most of the time) the very best policy. Plus, it makes sex more fun when you can trust your partner. WRAP UP. The first is using a condom and assuring it’s the correct type of condom – if your penis or your partners penis is particularly large, then get a larger condom. If you are allergic to latex, use a latex-free condom, and if you or your partner have a tendency to ejaculate quickly – try a delay condom. or PROTECT YOURSELF by testing regularly and by taking PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) if its suitable for you. Please remember that PrEP only prevents you from contracting HIV, and isn’t a security blanket against other STI’s and STD’s. Unprotected sex is wonderful, but so is being healthy and happy. Go for a check-up every 3-6 months – without fail. If you can’t go to a clinic, order a home testing kit. See it as an MOT. DON’T BE SHY to ask your partner(s) about when they last tested and their status. It’s important that you do it with kindness, but it’s also equally important that you’re comfortable enough to ask. If you’re in bed (or the club, sling, etc) with someone that you aren’t comfortable asking these questions – you should possibly think again about whether you should be having sex with them. BE PRESENT in the moment. If you have lots of sex, it’s very easy to get desensitised to how magic the interactions can be. Pay attention to your body and your partners body – allow yourself to see, taste, smell, and experience as much as you can. Try and keep this in mind when you’re playing – it makes sex so much more intimate and interesting. TREAT YOURSELF in ways that make you feel good. If that means purchasing a Fleshlight, don’t be shy – do it. If that means wearing fishnets in bed – do it. I’ve always been of the belief that life is short, and orgasms are free. Sex and pleasure with toys, solo, or dressed up is as valid as any other type of sex. As is masturbation. Explore your body and you’ll become more aligned with your sexual identity. Your body is beautiful and wonderful – it has carried you for all of these years. Get to know it. TAKE A BREAK from random sex if its not fulfilling you. The same goes for sex under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I’m not saying this to judge (I’ve been known to have my legs behind my head after a bottle of red), I’m recommending it so that you can allow yourself time to figure out who and what you really want. A little sex detox every now-and-then gives your batteries and desires time to recharge. A fresh perspective helps keep things exciting. And finally, FORGIVE YOURSELF. Try and let go of the things that you’ve done in the past that make you feel like a bad lover. Had an accident during anal? It happens! Ejaculated really quickly? So do millions of penis-owners! You’ll never change the past but you have a direct role in formulating your future. LISTEN TO THE T SPOT PODCAST: